I've always harboured this fear of saying the wrong thing, of being misunderstood, or misinterpreted. It's been a significant barrier in my life, particularly in maintaining relationships, which are already challenging due to Complex PTSD symptoms. Friendships, especially, feel like walking a tightrope—I'm constantly anxious about saying too much or the wrong thing, fearing that conflict will arise or that I'll come across as overwhelming. I've never had a big group of really close girlfriends. Instead, I have a few friendships I maintain communication with on some level and occasionally get together with. I always thought I needed to have a big group of girlfriends and strived for that, but I found maintaining communication with symptoms tough. I've lost count of the times I've drafted and deleted text messages, opting for the safest, most generic responses instead. I've realized how content I am with my life and couple of close friendships, but I am worth it to put the time in to maintain these friendships and be open to new ones.
Why was I so terrified of being myself, of expressing my true thoughts and opinions to the world? It's because in my life, I created a belief system inside of myself that I'm wrong, too loud, not important, ignored. The feeling of being 'too much' for someone, especially when you know you have so much light to offer, is paralyzing. It wasn't the events that made me feel that way, but the interpretations I created by other people's actions.
But here's the truth: I've always believed in myself, in my intentions. Yet, I've struggled to trust others to see me as I see myself. It's a paradox—I fear being misunderstood and overlooked because it felt like it happened so frequently in the past. One of the biggest triggers for anxiety is the sensation of not being understood or valued enough. Also, anxiety exists when thoughts/fear of the future or worry about the past.
I do love myself, but I've held onto a belief system that tells me it's not safe to fully embrace who I am. So, I've hidden parts of myself—those moments of being too much, too loud, too enthusiastic—because they haven't been met with acceptance or appreciation.
My intention now is to let go of those inhibitions, those fears, to allow my true self to shine through without reservation. I want to speak my truth confidently, knowing that I am worthy of love and acceptance just as I am. It's about embracing my authenticity, not from a place of ego, but from a deep-seated confidence in my worthiness. I am allowed to be myself, to express my opinions, to ask questions, and to be unapologetically enthusiastic about life.
Healing for me means dismantling the belief that I am 'too much' or insignificant. It's a process of recognizing my worth and letting go of anything that undermines my mental health and well-being. I am not 'too much'—my intentions are genuine, aimed at helping others and loving myself. I'm learning to embrace my inner self fully and release anything that doesn't support my journey towards wholeness.
Understanding the belief systems underneath the symptoms is a great place to start shifting away from things and thoughts that do not feel good. Creating new true thoughts and statements about yourself, capabilities, trusting there is good and good people in this world that will see who you are. <3 I see you! ALL OF YOU! <3
Sending Love and Light,
Melissa
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